One of my pieces I wrote 2 weeks ago. Let me know what you think of it! 🙂

J. Adamee

I wake up and whisper out-of-worldly woes
Of how I rose in your name and in your name I am composed
I whisper so I can measure how sincere I can be
But, scrupulosity is the sister of satan
And the cousin of the angels that left heaven
And now walk upon the Earth.

I am composed,
I am sure that in my name is my ultimate goal –
only through loving your name.
But the night before this morning
I posed under a moon’s light,
And cried a wolf’s cry, attracted the Dark away from The Dark
And entered the parked horse and carriage
Which then lead me to my lover’s patronage
Oh, my lover’s patronage.
He provided for me last night, and loved me like he shouldn’t
He encouraged me to love him without prudence
So he fucked me hard and I fucked him right back.

I love…

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Composed

I wake up and whisper out-of-worldly woes
Of how I rose in your name and in your name I am composed
I whisper so I can measure how sincere I can be
But, scrupulosity is the sister of satan
And the cousin of the angels that left heaven
And now walk upon the Earth.

I am composed,
I am sure that in my name is my ultimate goal –
only through loving your name.
But the night before this morning
I posed under a moon’s light,
And cried a wolf’s cry, attracted the Dark away from The Dark
And entered the parked horse and carriage
Which then lead me to my lover’s patronage
Oh, my lover’s patronage.
He provided for me last night, and loved me like he shouldn’t
He encouraged me to love him without prudence
So he fucked me hard and I fucked him right back.

I love him limitlessly but I’ve never been taught to
You love me limitlessly, why didn’t you teach me to?
Brought to a halt, I fall upon your unspoken cult of questionable faults put upon me
And broke my bespoke faith for the rest of the night.
Bright lights and horns on the motorway, I find my way home.
You told me to love creation, and I’m loving you both.
I love Love so much I want you to watch me make love to myself.

Is there enough room for three of us plus two more for our egos?
Until I get the answer, I’ll love my lover like he’s a placebo
Standing in place for you.
And if there isn’t enough room
I’ll love you one day, then I’ll just pray I love you the next.

Literary Legacy

She underlined to understand.

Finally, I go through the books she left behind.

I couldn’t caress the courage in me to watch her come alive.

She had two copies of her favourite book.

One is for comfort, one is to surpass time.

She marked the philosopher’s monologue and I question

If these thoughts were the author’s or if it was published just for her.

She starred any courage the protagonist portrays

And it manifested into her own gritty novella

She drew a backwards question mark where she thought the story could have gone a different way

And she boxed the scorned lovers’ words that scared her,

made her feel too free.

I didn’t know there was such a thing.

I touch the corners of tattered pages. She touched these pages too.

I trace each underline with my finger,

I don’t think she ever knew

That she would leave her own her own legacy through literature

Or that I could read her through reading

A Room With A View.

Through each book I flick, I learn that she

Was never satisfied with tranquillity¹

She knew more than she thought she did˜

She never took anything on its looks, but took everything on evidence¡

And she never, ever, killed a mockingbird²

I read these books with fresh eyes,

And make my own memories.

I smiled at a line that she kept free of streaks,

Why did she not like it the way I do?

I decided it’s time to buy my own copy

Of her favourite book

Leave my own lazy legacy

And watch myself come alive

After every underline.

“Never you mind. A guy got to sometimes.”*

1 – Jane Eyre

˜ – The Picture of Dorian Gray

¡ – Great Expectations

² – To Kill A Mockingbird

* – Of Mice and Men

Working Title.

I met him in a library, in the history section.
A lengthy momentary suction into his serious pass time
Time that I have stamped with my patience and gratitude.

Before this moment I spent my quiet with great fortitude.
I built a fort around my bloodline
Lined up the hearty troops from Bombay to fight away the superiority complex.
A simple complicated affair.
I employed engineers from Niger to create extinguishers
To fight the fire within myself.

I reigned with self discipline.


I met him in a library, in the history section.
Doughy eyes, cute smile. Reads a lot.
He has memorised lines from books
And churns them out with sweet satisfaction.
I fall for the black and white letters, the quotes and
Misquotes, the bibliographies and Oxford press.
I fall for his world. I’m lost in in his translation.

I fall for his story.


My barriers have fallen, and my soldiers flee from the havoc.
I’m open to doubt.
I’m open to him.


Black and white won’t do me no harm.
It makes the liveliest of shadow puppet shows.
But, I used to love it when the sun rose.

The Final Post

It’s been a while since I last posted a Ramadan blogpost. I tend to write my posts after midnight but the distinguished last ten nights of Ramadan had me busy at such a time. Plus any thoughts I did have during these nights were more like conversations with my Creator and spewing private conversations has never been a talent of mine. Anyhow, I’m going to treat this post as the last Ramadan blog because I’m not sure if after the sun sets the community will celebrate Eid tomorrow or the day after. Plus last night, I treated my teraweeh prayer (the optional but still very important prayer Muslims pray during Ramadan) as it was my last. Since last morning I’ve been in a solemn mood because I know Ramadan is coming to an end. I was talking to a friend of mine last night about this sadness and because he isn’t Muslim, I don’t think he fully understood it. So I explained it to him in a way most people could empathise.

Now I know that there a plenty of girls out there who are pretty, lovely and decent. If a guy was to be with them he wouldn’t be sad or overthrown with joy. He’d be okay because he doesn’t know any better. But just imagine, one month, a guy comes across this woman. She’s strikingly beautiful, full of wisdom and knows her worth. Now this guy doesn’t feel like he’s in her league. Loads of guys that have seen this woman think the same. But they all want to be in her company. This one guy has a conversation with her. He spills his past and doesn’t want to make the same mistakes again. He wants to better himself. This woman comforts him, makes him feel good, makes all his hard work and great efforts feel worthwhile. She spurs him on and he loves it. He feels like he can achieve anything. Within a month’s time, he’s fallen in love with this woman. But this woman only stays for this one month. She’s gone and he has to try keeping up what she’s helped him do. He spends half the year sad that she’s away and slowly start slipping into his old habits because that strength within him, the encouragement she gave him, is slowly starting to fade away. He spends the next half of the year not wanting her to come back because she’ll be disappointed with him. He becomes used to seeing ordinary girls because they don’t question him like this woman did. He doesn’t have to try so hard with these other girls. But deep inside, he still longs to see her. While this is all happening, there’s another guy who also loves this woman. I mean, truly loves her. He spent half the year sad that she was gone and clutched onto anything she left behind and the next half preparing for her return.

You may have guessed already but the woman is Ramadan. The main guy in the story is what most people do – fall back into their old habits. And the last guy who was truly in love with Ramadan are those who really take everything good from Ramadan and apply until the next time.

I want to be part of the second group of people. But there’s a niggling doubt in the back of my mind that I’m going to become sucked into the lull of everyday boring life. Maybe I should have more hope in myself that I can do this. Maybe I should repeat my goals and ambitions daily. Maybe I should treat my mind like I would in Ramadan. But that’s really difficult, once she’s gone.. she’s gone. People expect heightened spirituality during this month so it’s easy to motivate yourself to get up and do what you need to do. When Ramadan is over, it’s not going to be so easy. When she’s gone, if I truly love her, I’m going to clutch onto everything she taught me. This will be my test I guess.

All I know is I’m going to really miss her this year. And I really hope and pray that I get to see her next year.

Day 18: Book Firm

When having an idea in mind, the process and execution of that idea becomes a lot easier. You have focus and ambition.

Let’s take a business idea as an example. Let’s say I want to create a publishing firm that only publishes the works of change makers or books that will stir up and make people question the norms. The reason I’m creating this business is so that I can have the public read these books and question the society they grow up in and hopefully inspire change. This seems like a in-depth aim behind a normal business venture, but when you have a bigger aim like this it spurs you on. Doesn’t make you feel like you’re wasting your time.

In this sort of business you will come across problems. There will be so many rubbish/mediocre books coming my way. If I was in it to make money, I would have backed out by now. But I’m not doing it for that so I keep on looking. Looking for that one book that will help me achieve my goal.

I’ve found my book but now I have no money to market it. I don’t have the backing from the rest of my company because they don’t think it’ll be a best seller. The author of the book is getting inpatient and is saying he will sell his book to another publisher. Problems upon problems. No worries, I will work through the night for days on end to get this right. Every single thing that happens in my life now is connected to my company. I wake up at six so I can prepare the slideshow to sell this book. I rip out newspaper articles I read on the train so I can keep inspired. I don’t take the trains home at peak time so I pay less, which means I’ll have more money to publicise this book. Everything I do, I do it so I can be one step closer to reaching my goal.

Things start looking up. Even the little things make me happy. My £35 cheque clears and this means I can pay for the internet in the office. I get a call from a friend that studied English with me at university and said he works for a publishing firm now and he’ll see what he can do to help. I get elated really quickly because however little these things are, it’s going to help me in the bigger picture.

I publish the book and wait for that one online review saying how revolutionary this book can be.

Even though this is a story, I wanted to link it to my bigger picture. This is to be one of those people who congregate in Heaven and get to see the face and light of God. That’s MY bigger picture. MY aim. If I want this really bad and remember what I’m doing my actions for, everything becomes easier. The bad times are over quicker. The good times are a lot more appreciated. I’ll go through the trials that will come my way with a roaring spirit. Completing baby steps, like reading 1 page of Quran a day or every other day, becomes to mean a lot because I know I’m one step closer to my aim. Slowly but surely.

With a clear aim, a clear mind on what/who you’re doing your deeds for, you can achieve greatness – the sort of greatness you long for. If your aim is murky, the road to it will also be murky. When I think of it like this, I really need to strengthen and remind myself of my aim more often.

I publish my life’s work to God hoping that He’ll review it and like what He has seen.

Day 16: The Halfway Mark

I’m going to reel it back in today with a quick overview of Ramadan. I’ve reached the halfway mark so I wanted to just refresh what I’ve learnt/need to do/aim to do.

One of the main things that worried me before Ramadan is that I’ve become so used to slacking that if I start getting back on track spiritually I’ll have to carry that on. I don’t like wasting my time and Ramadan is a time that I do not want to waste so if I’m going to better myself, I want to be able to take what I’ve learnt or have aimed to do and carry it on for the rest of the year. I won’t say all my goals because a very husky sounding guy once said ‘if they don’t know your dreams, they can’t shoot them down.’ And I think in the back of my mind, my goals this year are quite big so even if I say it out loud I’m afraid that I won’t be able to reach those goals. But, if I do actually carry on my actions after Ramadan it can only be good for me. Not a single bad thing will come out of it. I’m not so sure why I’m worried. One of the things I really want to work on is linking the things I learn about my religion to myself.

I study my religion at university. During the year the things I have learnt really messed with my head and it shook my faith so much that I started questioning what I believe. I learnt about the compilation and revelation of the Quran and the countless number of views about it. These views were so well written and articulate that it was hard not to get drawn into it. So I started thinking with my head and totally forgot about my heart. The more I questioned the more I got myself in a frenzy and became apathetic to my surroundings. I then hit the all time low where I didn’t know if I was Muslim anymore. I freaked out about the thought and the only thing I could think of doing was pray. It’s innate. It’s built within me to go back to God. I went on super religious mode to get myself back again. I read the Quran and it answered all the questions I had. I don’t know why I didn’t think about doing that earlier. I guess the immensity of the literature around me got me looking for answers in there and not the holy book. Then, to make sure this doesn’t happen again, I think I started to subconsciously separate myself from the Muslims that I was being taught about. I started saying, ‘Muslims believe..’ instead of ‘I believe…’ I wasn’t linking anything that I was learning to myself. So then I got less and less mindful of God because I took a step back and looked at my religion from a very conservative and outsider’s point of view.

This Ramadan I told myself I want to become mindful of Allah. So, I’ve been reading a simplified translation of the Quran every day and the things I am learning I am connecting to myself. This is where the idea of this blog came from. I wanted look deep into the verses that I was reading so I can feel again, I guess. I want to grab my religion with both hands and call it mine. That’s one of my big aims. Refocus, recalibrate, and remember Allah. So now that I’m at the halfway mark, the reading of the Quran on a daily basis, reflecting on verses and looking into them is really working. I’m going to try carry this on for the next 15 days and after Ramadan too. The next 15 days I will also focus on my du’aa (suplication). I need to give it a lot more importance and find the sweetness in it. I tend to shy away from it because I feel like a hypocrite asking God for things when I haven’t been a great Muslim. I will look into supplication properly and apply that to my daily life.

I’m basically working at my foundation this year. I’ve been so busy trying to gulp any knowledge I can find that I’ve become way too heavy for my cracking foundation.

Setting goals really helps. Short term and long term. If you haven’t done so already, set your goal for the next 15 days. And then a six month one and then a year one.. which will lead to your ultimate goal. This goes to people of all faith. It really helps you figure out what needs to be done to achieve those goals. Don’t waste any time.

Day 15: Behind The Screen: Moses

I’ve decided to join a Behind The Screen for one of my poems with a post from my Ramadan blog. I think this one goes hand in hand so I’m hoping it works. For those who haven’t read my poem Moses, here’s the link to it (might help understand this post a little better): https://jadamee.wordpress.com/2012/06/15/moses/

I’ve based this poem on the Islamic story of Moses. Just before Moses was born, the ruling Pharaoh had a dream which he had interpreted. He understood from this dream that a male is going to try and overtake his throne. So, what he did is that he ordered all new born males to be killed. However, his court had brought up that there won’t be any manpower if he kills all the males. So they agreed that one year he will kill all males and the next year he will spare them all. In the year which Moses was born, this was the year that the Pharaoh was going to kill. In the Quran, it states that God had inspired the mother of Moses, whom till this date was secretly suckling him, to put the baby in a basket and let him drift along the river Nile. Moses’ sister was instructed to follow the basket. The basket drifted down the river Nile all the way into the hands of Asiya, the Pharaoh’s wife. She had persuaded him to adopt this child and the Pharaoh agreed. Moses was sitting in the Pharaoh’s lap and he had tugged at the Pharaoh’s beard. This action made the Pharaoh believe that Moses will be the one to overthrow his power. So he had ordered his servants to kill Moses. However, Asiya had interceded and begged the Pharaoh not to kill her baby and to just understand that he is just an infant.

I had wanted to write about childbirth for a while and it’s quite a big subject. So I decided on doing it on the anticipation a woman feels knowing that she is pregnant after wanting a child for such a long time. The first half of the poem takes us through the elated emotions of Asiya because after being told she can’t have any children, she is blessed with one. She wants everything to be perfect for the arrival of her baby, so she decorates the river Nile and gets the whole village to work on a huge celebratory feast. Mount Sinai, known to be the mountain which Moses led the Israelites to, was also waiting for his arrival. When a woman is expecting, her family are also expecting too. The ones nearest and dearest to her are waiting with her. The family home and a woman’s natural state is waiting changes for the baby. The milk bottles are bought, the bibs are washed and the cot is wrapped up in new sheets just waiting for this beautiful baby to make use of them.

But, the King, or in this case, nature or God has decided that this baby is not right for the expecting mother. It is not in this mother’s destiny to have a child. So this mother bleeds when she should not be. She loses her baby. She does not know what she has done wrong to expect this punishment. I can only imagine the draining emotion a mother feels when she finds out that she has had a miscarriage. Her faith in God shakes as she questions Him in the poem. She then comes to realise that we can never be certain of our future. Miscarriage is a topic which I get all teary eyed about because if I put myself in the shoes of a mother I can only begin to feel that feeling of missing something that was never actually mine.

I am a firm believer of ‘everything happens for a reason’. My religion teaches this all the time. Whatever happens, God has not done it in haste. It could sound like I’m downplaying the issue of miscarriage with that line. But if you think about it, ‘everything happens for a reason’ is one of those lines that comes and bites you in the bum when you don’t realise. When things have turned out okay after a rough patch, you realise how worse things could have been. Well, I know I do this anyway. “He knows what is before them and what is behind them and to Allah are all affairs turned back”. (Qur’an, Surah Al Hajj (22:76)) This verse just sums it all up. However, Allah knows that we have emotions. I’m not saying that we should not mourn or be sad over things which may happen to us. We are humans and we have emotions. But God is there to reinforce us that things WILL look up and not to give up on your faith in Him.

There are plenty of verses that explains that God is there in times of sadness.
“…Bear with patience whatever befalls you….” (Qur’an 31:17)
“Be not sad, surely Allah is with us.” (Qur’an 9:40)
“Verily, with hardship there is relief” (Qur’an 94:6). This verse in particular speaks out to me because I find that in my little world it has been 100% true. There has not been one time (yet) where I have been going through a rough patch and I have not come out of it with better things coming my way.

“..Be mindful of Allah, you will find Him before you. Get to know Allah in prosperity and He will know you in adversity… And know that victory comes with patience, relief with affliction, and ease with hardship.” < This verse is what I think people expect from a really good friend. If your mate is going through a really tough time, you know them a lot better because this is when their personality emphasises it's best and worse traits. With the help of a good friend you can come out of that situation a much stronger person. If you are patient, kind and mindful of your close friend (and they know of your effort) they will be there for you in times of need. There is no doubt in my mind about God being there for me. I tend to make the mistake of asking for God's help when I'm going through a tough time. If a friend always called whenever they needed something from me, that would be pretty annoying. If I really mean it when I say I love my God, then I got to remember that I can't just go to Him when things aren't going my way.

It’s a two way relationship. Be mindful of God, God will be mindful of you. He will not burden you with more than you can deal with. You realise this when you deal with the situation at hand. At first things may seem daunting and scary to deal with but a majority of the times.. we just get on with it. It’s not a burden when you’re capable to deal with it. We’re stronger than we think.

Everything happens for a reason.

Day 7: Pinky Promise.

“God will not call you to account for your meaningless oaths, but He will call you to account for the oaths, which you swear in earnest.” (5:89)

I had to look into the explanation of this verse to fully understand it. But from first glance it just made me think about all those promises we make to one another but never keep true to them. When looking into the verse, ‘meaningless oath’ is basically those promises we make unintentionally. I’m guessing like.. “I’ll see you soon” or “Yeah, we’ll go one day.” These sorts of things are conversation fillers I guess. But those real promises, the ones that we don’t forget when others have broken them, those are the ones that we’ll be accountable for.

It just made me think about the many promises I must have made to others. I’m pretty sure I didn’t need to say “I promise, I’ll wash the dishes before I go to bed”.. just a simple “I’ll wash them” is enough of a promise/oath. You start letting your promises slip and your words become more and more meaningless. I know, that plenty of times I’ve told my family that I will be home on time and I’ve broken that promise. I really need to fix that up. Only recently did I tell someone that I’ll have their work back to them by a deadline and I haven’t kept to that deal. Now whenever I tell them that their work shall be done in one or two weeks time, even I don’t believe my own words. Which, is quite.. sad to be honest.

I know for a fact that I take people’s promises very seriously. I take their words as they tell it. Only because I want people to take my words as I say. And I have remembered the many times others have said they’ll do me a favour but they never have actually gone round to doing it. It’s true though, whenever I speak to them and they make another promise.. I just don’t take them seriously. Words are one of the main ways that we communicate with one another (the other being actions) and if we don’t take our words seriously, how are we going to progress? I for one know that whenever someone does stick to their word, I remember them for doing that. I want to be remembered as a person who stuck to their word. Not some person who just talks but has nothing to say.

Maybe, this verse is also about the many times I have promised God I’ll do better but I always go forward one step and back another two. I’ll definitely be accounted for that.

I like this verse because it just shows how important we are to one another. We can’t go through this life by ourselves so we help each other out. It would be a big help if we meant what we said.

Day 4: Fear.

So yesterday, I didn’t do a blog post. The reason being that I was really really dizzy and by the time I got onto the laptop it was really late. SO I’m gonna make up for it with a video. Someone tweeted this link and I was pleasantly surprised. Firstly because it’s a guy talking from a Christian background. Secondly, the guy is shouting and I don’t really respond to shouting. The visuals intrigued me though, soooo.. I muted it and read it. Anyhow, here is the link for those who wanna watch it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQGgkrkkhxs&feature=related

There’s some lines in this that made me think. I’ll write it out for those who can’t be asked to watch the video.

“Fear not the unknown, but fear that you never learn what is beyond the unknown. Fear not trials and tribulations. Fear a life of ease and complacency… Fear not what men say about you. Fear what God would say about you. Fear not those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Fear Him who is able to destroy both… So my prayer for you students is that you would not live a life free from fear but you would live a life fearing the right things.”

I don’t really need to go into depth with that one. I think that pretty much says it all. I liked it because for those who aren’t religious, fear is a weird part of religion. Why should a person fear their creator? Same way we have that fear when it comes to our parents. Those who don’t fear their parents won’t really be a kid who listens to their parents.. if you think about it. It’s like when your mum goes out and before she does she will tell you to clean the kitchen. Hours have gone by and when you realise your mum is gonna come home any time soon, out of fear you will clean up that kitchen good and proper. You use an element of fear to bring kids up. I don’t find that weird at all. It’s not all fear though, it’s love too. It’s a mix between love and fear for the Creator that we keep ourselves intact. Just think about it.. everything that’s on this earth has been created by God. Just think about the immensity of that. That’s scary, amazing and fantastic.

Anyhow, if we do muck about, don’t listen to what God says, or we just practise the religion here or there.. either we don’t love Him, or we do not fear Him.

Whoa.