I Bet.

 

I prayed for forgetfulness and that’s my last memory of you.

 

I bet you remember

how many traffic lights it took for me to become bashful

how many horse drawn hearses it took to undo the knots in my gut

how many spans of your hand it took to go from

the pit of my neck to the bottom of my spine

the number of ribs you could stick your teeth into

 

when you made me gasp for air

the first time we got carried away,

which was some day

a few dozen months ago.

 

and all I remember

is wishing for the sun

to rapidly grow old.

 

Go on, tell me you love my birth mark

on the right side of my back

just above my blade,

The one that dug deep into your chest

when I wanted to leave

and you wanted nothing

but for me to stay.

 

I know you remember

the look of panic in my eyes

when you made me run to the door

with my clothes in my hand

and tears ran

on your bathroom lino

 

I came back from Babel’s recital

gasping for the same air

in the same room

some time later.

 

and I don’t know why.

 

Say it all.

I know you

will never forget.

And you know

I believe in prayer.

 

I don’t remember

what day we met,

what you were wearing,

how it felt to feel you

beneath my chest.

 

I don’t believe you’re dead.

 

How easily I forget.

 

Go on.

Keep saying

I love you.

I dare you.

Aside

Bengal

As soon as words leave her mouth, love turns to lust.

A Bengal tiger guards the now familiar pavilion

And stretches his elegance as soon as the adhaan is heard

The white silk wrapped around the four bed post tastes the parity in the wind

The red inked walls listens to their breathing getting heavier.

She can hear his clothes creasing, his feet on the dense Persian rug

With passionate modesty she looks away from him

And towards the Fourty Rules of Love she left on her bed

Without a word she feels the rosemary around his neck on her neck.

She feels her straw bed on her back.

She feels his regretful love on her lips. His bridled future on her breasts.

The Opening begins playing in her father’s voice in her head

She trembles in her lace gown when she witnesses divinity

The gold coins embellished with allegory cradles the wind

Creating rich sounds of The First Father.

It hides the vibration of her first unforgettable sharp breath.

But, the Bengal tiger’s ears perk up,

his sunbathed skin going wherever his bones go.

He silently walks through the grains of silk towards the enriched pavilion.

He finds both girl and boy undressed, on the Persian rug

Wrapped in wine sheets

blushes of red in their cheeks, pretending to be asleep.

He looks at her and  counts the threads beneath her shoulder.

And she opens her eyes to look at him

When she no longer felt his eyes on hers.

Bengal

Time


She’s tired of seeing Time, time and time again.

She fell in love with him but he sold her soul to lingering hands.
She wanted more of him but he stood by and
Watched men wrap themselves around her plans.
She found herself under his wing but
He wouldn’t let her under his sheets.

She drank until the liquor was flowing right through her
And lived each day like it was forever
With pumping presence she beat his chest
He breathed on her neck
And put all his weight on her
And recited it was he who taught her how to be.

With no fear, she looked into his eyes
And recited it was she who taught Time how to bleed.

She now twirls, twirls in her sun dress until she merges with the sun clock
She tips her head back thirty three degrees and snorts back the seconds
She waits for the wind to reveal what’s underneath her dress
To release rapture upon her nipples, her knuckles
An her naked nihilism.

Time

Cast Away


Washed up on a beach, she breached the strongest current
She looks down at her hand-me-down fibres, soaked in luminosity
The Northern Star cheers her on as she stumbles to her feet
With electricity in her eyes, she charges ferociously at Polarity


For all her life, she believed the world turns
Because North only ever wanted to see South.

Cast Away

A Conversation With Not-Myself.


Your mouth moves, moves along with mine
I make you believe we’re muted mystics with meticulous minds
You know you know nothing
And I say we’ll know nothing if we don’t let go of everything
And you say ‘everything for me is not everything for you’
And I ask, so what is everything? And you stumble
I’ve got you where I want you.
That expensive wine consumes you
Consults you and commits to you.
Sip some more, my 6 o’clock appointment , so you can zone out and on to a seat of stars
Sit with me and see your every single sin serenade your silver spooned soul.

Look how Subconscious, Conscience, Saint, Satan… I forget which name it goes by now,
But, look how it readily places your every sin onto the conveyor belt before you.
I have it written here, that you tasted the sweetness of honey, but tried more than the taster size, so technically that’s stealing.


Here’s the time you studied your first book and fell in love with Juliet, another man’s woman,
even though you were experiencing puppy love with your first ever girlfriend.
I’d say that’s there for cheating.


Do you remember that sin, where you ate into Eve’s apple and you became shameless?
She made you feel wanted, made you feel. She bit your lip and you bit the curve below her hip. You just loved her, loved her so deep it hurt.
Where’s the harm in that, you ask? Where’s the harm in that? Your foolish cry and your brutish wry turned your virgin Mary into a morish monster with a Venetian vernacular. Even I know that.


Here’s the promise you told a Noah that you’ll be there for him whenever he needs you, but when you found friends to watch film noir with you, Noah was no longer new to you.
You quickly forgot that old promise, didn’t you? It’s okay, I see that come up quite often.


There’s the time you told a Sufi that you have the same zest for learning as he, but you just spent your petty days saving up for your fare to Sodom. I think you should have got away with that. It sounds like you had noble intentions.


You told yourself you know what you’re doing but you don’t have a clue. You told yourself you believe in One but you ploughed through so many theories. You told yourself you want to be free but you’re still happily shackled to the greed.
I’m going to put that down as lying.


You doubted your strengths, you doubted your dreams so you aimed to be just below majestic. That’s injustice. And stupid. The only thing you weak clay things can do to escape this rotten world is dream; and you stop yourself from doing that.


You left the ones you love to be in love with yourself. Apparently that’s Lust. I don’t see the big deal with Lust. It consumes you with the same ecstasy a god can give you. But, I don’t make the rules.


And now my favourite sin,
You calmed your soul by telling her everything happens for a reason and now that you’re six feet under clouds your soul asks, ‘What is the reason? I’ve been waiting so long.’


Your muted mysticism has no answer. Well look at you, The Great Pretender.


Your conveyor belt of sins doesn’t stop.
Don’t be afraid, it’s not the first time that’s happened, I’ll just be a little late for my 7 o’clock.
I’d carry on showing you your haughtiness whilst sitting on these stars, but the skies are finding it hard to hold all your faults, you see, and frankly I’m not being paid enough for this.

A Conversation With Not-Myself.

One of my pieces I wrote 2 weeks ago. Let me know what you think of it! 🙂

J. Adamee

I wake up and whisper out-of-worldly woes
Of how I rose in your name and in your name I am composed
I whisper so I can measure how sincere I can be
But, scrupulosity is the sister of satan
And the cousin of the angels that left heaven
And now walk upon the Earth.

I am composed,
I am sure that in my name is my ultimate goal –
only through loving your name.
But the night before this morning
I posed under a moon’s light,
And cried a wolf’s cry, attracted the Dark away from The Dark
And entered the parked horse and carriage
Which then lead me to my lover’s patronage
Oh, my lover’s patronage.
He provided for me last night, and loved me like he shouldn’t
He encouraged me to love him without prudence
So he fucked me hard and I fucked him right back.

I love…

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Composed

I wake up and whisper out-of-worldly woes
Of how I rose in your name and in your name I am composed
I whisper so I can measure how sincere I can be
But, scrupulosity is the sister of satan
And the cousin of the angels that left heaven
And now walk upon the Earth.

I am composed,
I am sure that in my name is my ultimate goal –
only through loving your name.
But the night before this morning
I posed under a moon’s light,
And cried a wolf’s cry, attracted the Dark away from The Dark
And entered the parked horse and carriage
Which then lead me to my lover’s patronage
Oh, my lover’s patronage.
He provided for me last night, and loved me like he shouldn’t
He encouraged me to love him without prudence
So he fucked me hard and I fucked him right back.

I love him limitlessly but I’ve never been taught to
You love me limitlessly, why didn’t you teach me to?
Brought to a halt, I fall upon your unspoken cult of questionable faults put upon me
And broke my bespoke faith for the rest of the night.
Bright lights and horns on the motorway, I find my way home.
You told me to love creation, and I’m loving you both.
I love Love so much I want you to watch me make love to myself.

Is there enough room for three of us plus two more for our egos?
Until I get the answer, I’ll love my lover like he’s a placebo
Standing in place for you.
And if there isn’t enough room
I’ll love you one day, then I’ll just pray I love you the next.

Composed

Literary Legacy

She underlined to understand.
Finally, I go through the books she left behind.
I couldn’t caress the courage in me to watch her come alive.
She had two copies of her favourite book.
One is for comfort, one is to surpass time.

She marked the philosopher’s monologue and I question
If these thoughts were the author’s or if it was published just for her.
She starred any courage the protagonist portrays
And it manifested into her own gritty novella
She drew a backwards question mark where she thought the story could have gone a different way
And she boxed the scorned lovers’ words that scared her,

made her feel too free.

I didn’t know there was such a thing.

I touch the corners of tattered pages. She touched these pages too.
I trace each underline with my finger,
I don’t think she ever knew
That she would leave her own her own legacy through literature
Or that I could read her through reading
A Room With A View.

Through each book I flick, I learn that she
Was never satisfied with tranquillity¹
She knew more than she thought she did˜
She never took anything on its looks, but took everything on evidence¡
And she never, ever, killed a mockingbird²

I read these books with fresh eyes,
And make my own memories.
I smiled at a line that she kept free of streaks,
Why did she not like it the way I do?

I decided it’s time to buy my own copy
Of her favourite book
Leave my own lazy legacy
And watch myself come alive
After every underline.

“Never you mind. A guy got to sometimes.”*

1 – Jane Eyre
˜ – The Picture of Dorian Gray
¡ – Great Expectations
² – To Kill A Mockingbird
* – Of Mice and Men
Literary Legacy

Working Title.

I met him in a library, in the history section.
A lengthy momentary suction into his serious pass time
Time that I have stamped with my patience and gratitude.

Before this moment I spent my quiet with great fortitude.
I built a fort around my bloodline
Lined up the hearty troops from Bombay to fight away the superiority complex.
A simple complicated affair.
I employed engineers from Niger to create extinguishers
To fight the fire within myself.

    I reigned with self discipline.

    I met him in a library, in the history section.
    Doughy eyes, cute smile. Reads a lot.
    He has memorised lines from books
    And churns them out with sweet satisfaction.
    I fall for the black and white letters, the quotes and
    Misquotes, the bibliographies and Oxford press.
    I fall for his world. I’m lost in in his translation.

      I fall for his story.

      My barriers have fallen, and my soldiers flee from the havoc.
      I’m open to doubt.
      I’m open to him.

      Black and white won’t do me no harm.
      It makes the liveliest of shadow puppet shows.
      But, I used to love it when the sun rose.

Working Title.