Second Night.

The object of your love is the thing which you think about all the time. The thing you spend your time worrying about, go to sleep thinking about, rearrange your meetings for. It’s what you get angry about when you are denied it and it’s the thing you do not want to let go when it’s in your presence.

The creed by which I’ve lived my life is; there is no god but God and Muhammad is his messenger. To believe in this means that I have faith in one God and I am conscious and aware of God in everything that I do. That would mean I wake up thinking of God and do things I believe will please God. That’s what you do when you love a being. I mean truly love.

Just think about the way you are with the people you love. For me, I make sure that I do right by them, stick to the promises I made them, check they’re okay, be there for them without being asked to, feel absolutely alone if I haven’t heard from them in a while, and shower them with lovely flowery confetti praises and compliments and gifts.

Fact of the matter is that at this moment I can say that when I wake up I don’t think of God. I don’t do any of those things. I don’t love God. I must feel something towards Him seeing as though I am so caught up in this whole topic all the time. It’s strange that my whole life I have never sat down and thought about loving God. It’s just been about believing in Him and doing what He tells you to do – just ticking the boxes. To be fair, who sits down and thinks about ways to make yourself love someone? That’s unnatural.

It’s hard loving people around you but still remaining firm that God is the only one you truly love. How possible is it to detach yourself from the world, the world that has been created for you to live in and to reside with people who you care about, so you can focus only on your creator? This will always be something I will have trouble with. I don’t like the idea of loving people for the sake of God – being told I should treat so and so with love. I love because I want to and it feels right to. If one day my faith in God vanishes does that mean my love for the people He told me to love vanishes too? Love cannot be forced. In can, however, be cultivated – and I should not forget this.

So, the object of my love is not God. And as a person who has said that creed over and over again; it should be. In truth I love the pursuit of love. I worship my parents more than I worship my God. I fear disappointing people more than I fear disappointing my God. The question now is if I want God to be my object of love. I never thought I’d have to ask myself that question, but there it is. I do want Him to be the object of my love. I do. To put it bluntly, I just don’t want to have to divorce myself from the world and cut every other tie too.

Must I love the one I believe in? If I don’t, am I no longer a believer?

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Second Night.

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