I’m sat here at 16:35pm and it’s pouring down in London. I was reading the english translation of the Quran and it’s funny how I’ve read the beginning so many times but each time new verses speak out to me. This time it were these verses:
“There are some who say, ‘We believe in God and the Last Day,’ yet they are noy believers, They seek to decieve God and the believers, but they only decieve themselves, though they do not realise it. In their hearts is a disease, which God has increased. They will have a painful punishment, because they have been lying. When they are told, ‘Do not cause corruption in the land,’ they say, ‘We are only promoters of peace,’ but it is they who are really causing corruption, though they do not realise it.” (2:8-13)
I read it and thought straight away that I say I believe in God. I say that I subscribe to Islam. I say that I am Muslim. Do my actions emulate that? I say so many things but does it resonate from within? I don’t think I can ever be sure. And that’s what is scary. One minute I can be full of faith and I’m sure that I mean what I say. The next minute I’m a hypocrite because my words and my heart doesn’t match up. I kept on reading and the rain kept on pouring. The sound of the rain reminded me of something that Muslims believe. Muslims believe that when it’s raining, it is a blessing from God. There is an angel in every rain drop and it is a great time to make a prayer. The sound of the rain just made me stop and ask for forgiveness. I haven’t done this in a while. I asked God for when a raindrop falls let that wash away my hypocrisy. Flood the area, I don’t care. I don’t want to be a hypocrite anymore. It’s tiring. It’s just startled me reading it because we all get so angry and upset when others lie to us. But isn’t lying to myself even worse? Imagine… we tell people that we’re not okay with injustice, we want peace in the lands of Syria, Burma, the horn of Africa. But ‘it is they who are really causing corruption, though they do not realise it’ within ourselves.
This can go for everything. You can tell someone you love them but it’s hard to even know or understand what love really is. Fair enough, our actions can say that we love someone but every single day we do things to remind ourselves that we do love this person. We gotta remind our hearts that we love them on a daily basis. It takes work and to be fair, I think it will also take a bit of hypocrisy in order to keep ourselves sane. Saying things that we don’t actually mean keeps us going. It keeps us numb and happy. I was at a point where I stopped doing that and wrote what I was fighting to think and it really worried me. I didn’t like what I saw on paper. I was re evaluating everything I believe. I was questioning things that I’ve never questioned before. But now that I realised what I was dealing with I knew what I had to do to make these thoughts go away. We’re all hypocrites whether we like it or not. We all tell ourselves that things are okay or will be okay so we can make hearts rest. But maybe it’s time to stop doing that. Maybe it’s time to stop filling our lives with distractions, time to stop telling ourselves that ‘I’m just doing me’ without really figuring out what it is we’re doing. Maybe we need a little shake. Scare ourselves with thoughts we’re too scared to think about. If we don’t, we’re letting fear limit ourselves a lot. This can be in terms of faith, career, your hobbies and passion. When you see the horror movies and you’re screaming at the innocent blonde girl not to open the closet door, let her open it. She’ll thank you for it one day because for the rest of her life she’s going to be wondering what was behind that door.
I say I love God. I need to remind myself on a daily basis that I do. Through actions. It takes work. And commitment.
When you say you believe in God, do you really.. or have you just become accustomed to saying it? When you say you don’t know what you believe but you’re searching.. are you really searching, or are you just leaving it until tomorrow because you’re worried about change? (These are questions I’m asking myself. I’m not pointing the finger at you.)
Anyhoo, that’s enough of me for one day. I’m going to let my stomach un-bloat itself somehow. Thanks for reading my ramblings, I know that it doesn’t flow well, but I’ve tried my best for it to make sense! 🙂